Blurred World

Image result for wilted flower

World is so blurred for me. Can’t see it- can’t feel it. I can only see people who are close to me; I can only understand people near me. Who crosses my blurred line are the only people I let in my comfort zone. But I am scared, so frightened to give them that access- I am afraid if they walk away from me, far away, how will I see them? How will I feel them? How will I reach out to them? How will I find them? When they merge with my blurred world, when they get lost in the sea of millions of people, leaving me alone… how will I stop myself from tearing apart? How will I be able to stick broken pieces when I can’t even see them? When I couldn’t recognize parts of myself? Scattered among billions of people? That’s why I try to stay away- I am too broken to take another blow on my heart… too weak to search and joint those broken self.

Call me scared-y cat or coward, but I can’t defend myself anymore, I don’t wanna feel that pain again or I will be numbed- void of emotions and feelings- because everything- everyone- has a limit. And once that is broken, either it will self-destruct or become a human robot, unable to feel anything, heart frozen- too cold for anyone to melt it. That’s why I wear lens to see the world clearly, to cover my eyes so no one could reach me, to mask my shattered and messed up self, to veil all the chaos happening inside my head. Wearing a fake smile and with haunting loneliness, I march into this cruel world, trying to hide myself and to disappear in the crowd so no one could know the real me, my dark side deeply engraved in my heart, buried deep down.

Why? Because… I don’t want anyone to rip it out, damaging its root and collapsing my world. And when bored of me, when I can’t interest them anymore, throwing it away and letting me writhe like a wilted flower…

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